Book Review: “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” by Baek Sehee

Every so often, a book comes along that isn’t just a read but an experience, an intimate journey through someone else’s mind that feels eerily familiar. Baek Sehee’s “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” is precisely such a book, an introspective dive into the depths of mental health wrapped in the warmth of personal narrative and the straightforwardness of therapy session transcripts. It’s a memoir, a self-help book, and a gentle nudge toward self-acceptance all rolled into one. 

A Memoir of Hidden Struggles

At the heart of Baek Sehee’s narrative is her mental health journey, candidly laid out through the transcripts of her therapy sessions over twelve weeks. Each session is followed by Sehee’s reflections, offering profound insight into her psyche and the therapeutic process. For anyone who has ever felt like they were rotting on the inside while maintaining a facade of normalcy on the outside, Sehee’s transparency is both a mirror and a balm.

One quote that stood out to me early on was:

“I wonder about others like me, who seem totally fine on the outside but are rotting on the inside, where the rot is this vague state of being not-fine and not-devastated at the same time.”

This line resonates deeply, encapsulating the nebulous nature of mental health struggles that are neither overtly catastrophic nor negligible. It speaks to the silent battles many of us fight daily, often unseen and unacknowledged by those around us.

The Therapy Transcripts: Raw and Unfiltered

Reading the transcripts of Sehee’s therapy sessions feels like peering into a very private part of her life, almost like reading someone’s diary. This format offers a stark, unembellished look at her mental health, devoid of the dramatization often found in other memoirs. While this rawness can feel clinical and dry at times, it’s precisely this unvarnished honesty that gives the book its unique power.

Sehee’s reflections following each session are where the magic happens. She doesn’t just recount her conversations with her psychiatrist; she dissects them, mulls over their meanings, and relates them to her broader experiences. These sections are rich with insight and personal growth, offering readers a chance to reflect on their own mental health journeys.

The Universality of Mental Health Struggles

Though rooted in Korean culture, the themes of “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” are universally relatable. The book’s success in Korea and its seamless translation by Anton Hur underscore its global relevance. Mental health struggles transcend cultural boundaries, and Sehee’s story is a testament to this.

As someone who generally gravitates towards fiction, I found this book a refreshing departure. Its darkly humorous title caught my attention, blending morbidity with an everyday craving for comfort food—a juxtaposition that perfectly mirrors the book’s exploration of the coexistence of despair and desire for normalcy. This blend of darkness and humour, alongside an in-depth look at mental health, made it an irresistible read.

Personal Connections and Reflections

Sehee’s narrative is profoundly personal yet universally accessible. Her exhaustion from hiding her true feelings is a recurring theme that many readers will find relatable. It’s a stark reminder of the emotional toll that maintaining a facade can take, and the liberation that comes with vulnerability.

“But books are different. I often look for books that are like medicine, that fit my situation and my thoughts, and I read them over and over again until the pages are tattered, underlining everything and still the book will have something to give me. Books never tire of me. And in time, they present a solution, quietly waiting until I am fully healed. That’s one of the nicest things about books.”

This quote beautifully captures the therapeutic power of books. It’s a sentiment that resonates deeply with any avid reader—books as constant, patient companions in our journeys toward healing.

A Transparent Discussion on Mental Health

The book’s unflinching transparency in discussing mental health is refreshing and vital. Despite societal progress, mental health remains a topic shrouded in stigma. Sehee’s openness encourages readers to confront their mental health struggles without shame.

The author’s reflection on self-care and the importance of viewing oneself through a positive lens is another standout aspect. Her journey isn’t about finding definitive answers or cures but about learning to accept and nurture oneself. It’s a sentiment echoed in one of the book’s most profound quotes:

“I am completely unique in this world, someone I need to take care of for the rest of my life, and therefore someone I need to help take each step forwards, warmly and patiently, to allow to rest on some days and to encourage on others – I believe that the more I look into this strange being, myself, the more routes I will find to happiness.”

The Epilogue: A Different Perspective

The book concludes with an epilogue from Sehee’s psychiatrist, offering a different perspective on her journey. This addition is a poignant reminder that mental health is multifaceted, and understanding it requires looking at it from various angles. It reinforces the idea that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to mental health, and what works for one person may not work for another.

“It’s impossible to fathom the sadness of those who are left behind, but if life gives one more suffering than death, shouldn’t we respect their right to end life? We are so bad at mourning in our society. Maybe it’s a failure of respect. Some call those who choose their death sinners or failures or losers who give up. Is living until the end a triumph in every case? As if there can be any true winning or losing in this game of life.”

This quote delves into the controversial and sensitive topic of respecting individuals’ choices regarding their lives. It challenges societal norms and encourages readers to approach mental health struggles with empathy and respect.

A Book to Be Savoured

“I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” is not a book to be rushed through. It’s a short read, but one that should be savoured, reflected upon, and revisited. It encourages readers to talk to themselves more kindly and to view their mental health struggles through a more compassionate lens.

Baek Sehee’s memoir is a powerful and poignant exploration of mental health. It’s a book that doesn’t shy away from the raw, uncomfortable truths but presents them with a blend of humour, honesty, and empathy. It’s a reminder that while our struggles may be deeply personal, they are also shared experiences, and in sharing them, we find solace and understanding. If you’re looking for a book that offers both comfort and a candid look at the complexities of mental health, “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” is a must-read.

Here are ten life-changing lessons from Baek Sehee’s “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki”:

1. Embrace Vulnerability

• Opening up about your mental health struggles can be incredibly liberating. Sehee’s candidness about her feelings shows the strength in vulnerability and how sharing your story can be a first step toward healing.

2. The Importance of Self-Reflection

• Regular self-reflection is crucial for personal growth. Sehee’s reflections after each therapy session illustrate the power of introspection in understanding and addressing your mental health.

3. Seeking Professional Help is Vital

• Therapy can be a transformative experience. Sehee’s journey highlights the importance of seeking professional help and how it can provide valuable tools for managing mental health.

4. It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

• A key takeaway is that it’s okay to feel not okay. Sehee’s story normalizes the experience of mental health struggles and emphasizes that it’s a common part of the human experience.

5. The Power of Books

• Books can be a source of comfort and healing. Sehee finds solace in reading, showing how literature can offer companionship and solutions during tough times.

6. Understanding Your Unique Journey

• Everyone’s mental health journey is unique. Sehee’s experiences underscore the importance of understanding and respecting your own path, rather than comparing it to others.

7. Self-Care is Non-Negotiable

• Prioritizing self-care is essential for well-being. Sehee’s narrative emphasizes the need to nurture yourself with patience and kindness, treating yourself as someone who deserves care and compassion.

8. Breaking the Stigma

• Talking openly about mental health can help break the stigma. Sehee’s transparency encourages others to have honest conversations about their own struggles, fostering a more supportive environment.

9. Finding Humor in Darkness

• Humour can coexist with pain. The book’s title itself reflects a darkly humorous perspective, illustrating how finding light moments even in dark times can be a coping mechanism.

10. Multiple Perspectives Matter

• Mental health is multifaceted and requires different perspectives. The inclusion of Sehee’s psychiatrist’s viewpoint in the epilogue shows that understanding mental health involves looking at it from various angles and respecting diverse experiences.

These lessons from “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” highlight the complexities of mental health and provide valuable insights into managing and understanding one’s emotional well-being.

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